The title of this post is really how I can best represent the past 5 months...it has been 5 months to the day since my mom arrived for treatment. Yesterday she had her chemo consultation, and her first cycle starts next Tuesday...The hour we spent with the chemo nurse was purely heart wrenching...watching my mom's face contort as she gave her all the "possible" side effects was so extremely difficult, and the only thing harder was keeping a straight, calm face so she didn't sense me freaking out - because I knew she couldn't handle it.
That's kind of been a common theme throughout this ordeal. Kind of something I've always had to deal with. As I've gotten older, I've found it increasingly difficult to show weakness, fear or worry to those around me. I'd definitely say that this is not a good thing - because I think that it's therapeutic to get emotions out, to let those around you not always consider you as the "strong" one, and most importantly NOT let those emotions eat you up inside, as that just ends up manifesting itself in other ways. However, God has given me a husband and a mother that nearly broke down when they saw me sick. The two of them were on the teetering edge of losing it after witnessing my seizure in the hospital almost 10 years ago...to this day Khaled cannot and will not discuss that entire week of events. My mom's eyes glaze over when the subject comes up and as such it doesn't very often. That day, as I slowly regained consciousness and the 2 of them came into focus, I found myself insisting to them that I was fine, trying to lighten the mood as much as I could, and gave myself no opportunity to feel sorry for myself. Rather, I needed them to know and see that I was "fine". Thus became the trend....
So, I've kept it together since mom has gotten here...I cried at the office the day she told me, but never at home, never in front of her, Khaled or the kids. Since she's arrived...it has been hard in so many ways. She has been so scared and so depressed. It has made her extremely moody and short tempered. She can be joking one minute and then crying the next. Honestly, I've noticed a significant change in her personality since my grandmother passed away last year. But now it is just so much more pronounced. One minute she will be laughing and running after the kids screaming and the next she can't handle one of them speaking a little too loud...I'd be lying if I said that it was always easy. I feel absolutely lousy and so guilty for getting frustrated at her criticisms and moodiness sometimes. But over all, I just wish there was a magic pill to take away all her fear...to make her the strong woman that was always able to do everything - from single-handedly cooking up a feast to moving boxes for 8 hours straight. And that same woman peeks through when she says that she isn't scared, she's just worried about us. That she will be a burden on us....And I can't imagine how she can say that after everything she did for my grandmother. I can only hope to be 1/2 the daughter she was to her....and what I can't explain to her is that sometimes when I tell her not to worry, not to be scared, it is my selfish way of getting her to be the woman that I'm used to...because it's so hard for me to see her this way.
My dad left a few days ago...he was here for 2 weeks for the surgery. My dad is a complicated creature, one I think I take after in a lot of ways. He is the one I take after in keeping my emotions bottled up. For him, it's not a typical "macho" emotional bottling, but rather he internalizes his emotions to the point of it affecting him physically. He has problems with back spasms (as do I) that first manifested when Ameera was born...they always kind of rear their ugly head during difficult times. My parents' relationship has changed as they've gotten older...they have each gotten used to "doing their own thing" in a way. Yet it has changed since my mom got sick. All of a sudden my mom is always talking about how worried she is about him , because he's alone and SO worried about her (huh???!!). He calls us every single day at the same time, to hear an update, any update on what's been going on. He arrived a few days before the surgery, and the day she got out his back spasmed again. From the day he arrived he has been so overwhelmed with emotions...seeing him in the waiting room at the hospital was both heartbreaking and in a way made me so proud of their relationship. Oddly enough, it helped my mom to feel useful making him breakfast and helping him... Alot of people wonder why he only stayed 2 weeks....why not stay longer during her chemo and radiation. But it's hard to understand that their relationship is different than others...whereas I feel like I would need my husband with me...for her, she can't stand to see him consumed with her. She has insisted that he go back...His worry and emotions, make her feel worse - and she needs him to go back and take care of things. Their house is still under construction and she wants to feel that he's taking care of it. That way, he gives her other things to think about and discuss aside from her self and her illness... But standing at the airport as he left....she broke down crying, and I needed to walk away from her and Ameera so she didn't see me doing the same.
And then there was yesterday - as the nurse talked about fatigue, possible heart complications, hair loss, loss of appetite, etc. etc. etc. the only question she could get out was, "when will the hair grow back?" A few days earlier I saw her cringe when the dr. told her while on chemo to avoid hugging and kissing young children to avoid getting sick. Amongst everything he told her, the look on her face after that comment broke my heart...and I keep reminding her it'll only be a few months insha'allah - and it will all be a distant, bad memory. That alhamdulillah she is so so lucky, it could have been so much worse. But for the next 3 months, I know those words are of little comfort.
Ameera's reaction throught this time has been in a weird way therapeutic for mom. She doesn't really "get" what's happening, but she knows mom is sick. While she doesn't participate in our conversations, apparently she is absorbing everything we say...She notices that mom is kind of planted on the sofa, and continually wants to go out...She asks mom "will you really have no breasts after the surgery?", "will you still be the same mom", "will you really lose your hair?"...and on and on....she has been frighteningly emotional, and the few days mom stayed in the hospital, she was crying almost non-stop. She can't stand to be away from her, and the other day when she went to buy something with my dad, she called my mom crying saying she wanted mom to go with her...
So how is this therapeutic?? It has forced my mom to not sink into a deep depression. She told me a while back that if it wasn't for Ameera, she wouldn't have left the house the past 5 months. For Ameera she smiles and says she's feeling better, for Ameera she gets dressed and goes out, and for Ameera she wills herself to be strong and get through it, because she knows how much Ameera needs her. I truly believe that Ameera is her angel....God sent her to her 28 years ago to help her get through this time in her life...in her mind, Yahya and I are grown and don't need her as much - as wrong as that is - Ameera keeps her strong.
Finally, something I need to get down, because I really cannot finish this posting without acknowledging it...A few months ago, when discussing husbands, a friend and I were commenting on how their true colors shine through in difficult times. For me, Khaled proved this to me in the days after my stroke...just once, when I told him I didn't want him taking me to the bathroom...his response, that I was *never* to say that again was etched in my mind forever. But regardless, I really cannot get over how wonderful Khaled has been this time around, from day one. Many men would get frustrated having their mother-in-law stay with them for almost a year...particularly a moody, cranky mother in law. Yet, he has given new meaning to the word "kindness" that my friend used during our discussion. He has repeatedly told me that we need to be patient and give her the space she needs because she's scared...We can't let her stay home alone even if she wants to, because it's not healthy for her...and that her staying anywhere else but our house, including Yahya's, is not an option. And while I'm sure at times it wasn't always easy for him either, he has NEVER let that show to her or to anyone else - and for that I cannot begin to express how I feel....
So, in 5 days we start a new chapter in this ugly ordeal. Insha'allah, it will be a short, quick chapter - albeit a difficult one. We've made it through 5 months of waiting, worry and anticipation...so I feel that in a weird way the first session of chemo will in a way be a relief to her...that she will then know what to expect, and take out all the "unknowns" rushing through her mind.
