So it's been almost 4 months since I last posted. Geez, I feel horrible, because this was started as a way to chronicle my kids' childhood for them when they are older. Yet, I routinely go months without posting. I hope that when they are older they understand it was just because I was SO busy when they were this young.
Yesterday was mom's surgery. She has been on hormone therapy for almost 4 months, and the doctors are so happy with how effective the medication has been. The tumor has significantly shrunk and the scans show very very little active cancer alhamdulillah. So much so that two days before the surgery the dr. told her that she now has the choice between a full mastectomy and a partial. Now this confused the hell out of her because she had already decided to remove the BOTH breasts because honestly, she doesn't think that she could handle it emotionally or mentally if this were to happen again. I tend to agree. So now the dr. says "well you don't HAVE to remove the complete breast," and totally confused her.
We spent the next 36 hours discussing and discussing and discussing it. Khaled, Yahya, Peri and I thought that her initial decision was best. I don't think she will be good at getting regular mammograms and I believe the peace of mind is worth it. Dad slept on it the first night, and told her that she should be grateful that she doesn't need the full mastectomy, that she shouldn't remove body parts willy nilly.....pretty much had her convinced. Us Muslims have a prayer we do when we are faced with difficult decisions. It is called an "istikhara" where we ask God to point us in the direction which is best for us...Mom did the istikhara prayer and went to bed.
She woke up the next morning completely convinced that she wants to do the double mastectomy. We left for the hospital, and when we went to surgery admitting, the nurse that came to help her hugged her and told her that she had had the same exact surgery 14 years ago - and she never regretted for a minute afterwards. Boom! Hence the guidance from God that she had prayed for the night before. So, she had both breasts removed, and despite the discomfort - she seems genuinely comfortable with her decision.
When she got out of surgery, her first words to me were "tell Anna that I'm out". 'Anna' is my grandmother who passed away last year. Her leaving us was devastating to all of us, because she lived with use for almost the past 30 years. My mom really hasn't gotten over it. When she woke up, she told me that she kept seeing her when she was coming out of anesthesia.
Anyway, she was supposed to come home today, but she was in enough pain to make her ask to stay an extra day. When we got home, Mariam was running after me in the kitchen trying to grab my leg and slipped and let out this scream that almost killed me. She apparently fell and slammed her nose on the tile. Alhamdulillah, I *think* she is ok - her nose looks a little bruised and was bleeding, but not profusely. She wouldn't let me put ice on it, but it doesn't look crooked or broken, and she slept after giving her ibuprofen. Nevertheless, the whole episode seriously disturbed me.
Becoming a parent has completely changed my life. The moment that little stick turned blue, I went from having almost NO concerns to a neverending sea of worry. Maybe I've been watching too much "Grey's Anatomy" and "Private Practice" - but every second of every day all I think about is how scared I am for my kids...how there are so many seen and unseen worries that we have no control over. I remember the look in my mom's eyes in the seconds after I regained consciousness after my post-stroke seizure. The first thing that came to my mind is that no matter how old our kids get, or what stage of their life they are in - we, as parents, will NEVER ever stop worrying about them. We will do everything we can to protect them, but we can't shield them from everything, and that absolutely terrifies me. It literally keeps me up at night crying sometimes and all I want to do is wrap my arms around them and keep them next to me forever. I've crawled into bed with Noora on more than one occasion, and brought the twins to sleep next to me on others - trying to keep them near me. I know it won't do anything, but all I can do is just pray to God that he protects my children, because today when I thought that one of them may have broken her nose - something kids do all the time - I almost fell apart. May God never make me endure anything more serious. I really wouldn't be able to handle it.
...And that is why a couple of months ago, when I started having numbness and twitching in my leg and arm I didn't mention it to my mom....The symptoms were all too familiar from after my stroke. I have gone to see my neurologist, for the first time in 9 years...and pretty much confirmed what I already knew deep down. My stroke symptoms are being triggered by stress. Alhamdulillah, he doesn't see any evidence of anything bad, except that I've got a lot of pent up emotions and I guess they gotta come out somehow :) So...until the stress subsides I will deal with it. I've always known since having my stroke that stress isn't good for me - but in this case, I guess it's easier said than done.
Finally, in lighter news, Barack Obama was inaugurated this week as the 44th and first black President. Our family has NEVER been overly political, but there has never been more excitement around an election in our house like there has been the past few months. Muhammad and Mariam laugh and clap every time they see him on tv and say "OBAMA!! OBAMA kisib (won)" which is what we kept saying on election night :))
Obama is a smart, eloquent and extremely charismatic person. A refreshing change after the past 8 years of hell with "W" Bush, for the American people, and us as Muslims here and around the world. Us Muslims are in a precarious position in this country because belief-wise we are much more in line with the Republicans - yet the Republicans demonize our religion and our culture and have systematically done all they can to occupy and oppress Muslims around the world, whether directly in Iraq or indirectly in Israel. As such, good riddance to them all. Nobody knows how much better or worse Obama will be yet, but already in the first few days he's made every effort to break away from Bush as much as possible...he's ordered closed Guantanamo Bay closed within a year and has banned torture. That in and of itself is a slap in the face to how Bush has treated Muslims the past 6 years.
