I knew it had been a while since I wrote anything but I didn't realize the last time I posted was right after mom's chemo started. It's been *7* months! It has also been a year since mom's ordeal began. It has been a horrible, horrible year. A year I would pay money to forget. The last time I wrote, mom had just started her chemo. The 3 months of chemo were pure hell for her. Hell I'm sure I can't even begin to understand. Everyone I've talked to who has seen a family member go through chemo told me that there would be no way to prepare for it. That was very true. Those 3 months and probably a month or more afterwards were undescribe-able. To say mom was "miserable" is putting it wayyy too lightly. She spent almost 4 months on the sofa unable to move or eat. Her chemo sessions were 3 weeks apart, and she would have maybe 1 or 2 days before her next session where she would sit up and have a normal conversation.
It took every ounce of my strength to not show her how scared for her I was. Unfortunately, I think not showing her how scared or worried I was made her feel that I didn't care. Khaled got mad at me several times because every time he would see me crying by myself I would hide it - but it's just very hard for me to show weakness. If I could, I would erase from my memory everything that happened, and every word that was said for the past year. Not just mom's pain, but also my reaction to what she was going through. I kept my emotions bottled up for months, in order to avoid talking about them with her I tried to act normally, and remained distant. As time went on, we got in stupid, useless arguments - mostly they were miscommunications and misunderstandings that got blown out of proportion. I knew mom was overly emotional, and I knew she was depressed, but I had so many crazy emotions brewing inside of me that the wrong ones kept coming out.
I hated seeing her that way, I hated that she was alone all day, I hated that I couldn't show her how I felt. One of the problems we had was that the house we were living in was pretty small, and with 3 kids in the house it was a zoo. She was so miserable, she couldn't stand the noise and getting 2 four-year olds to be quiet is next to impossible. I hated that she was so miserable, and I just had no place for my kids to run and play. I found myself yelling at the kids all the time, and sending them upstairs to watch TV and go to sleep right after their dinner....So began another emotional roller coaster, where I was trying to keep too many emotions inside until it was too much.
I thought at one point that maybe if she stayed with Yahya for a while it would be easier for her, and I could come to grips with my emotions a little so I don't ruin my relationship with her. But I realized that she didn't want to go, that she was more comfortable in my house than Yahya's and Khaled told me she belonged with us. So I was happy that she told him no. I didn't want to create problems between Peri and mom. Peri mentioned several times how little patience mom has. That she has no tolerance for kids anymore, and hearing that now makes me glad that she stayed with me while she was here.
I decided I didn't want to go to Egypt while things were still so unknown with mom. Not knowing when she would finish her treatment made me very unwilling to go. I decided I preferred skipping Egypt this year in order to make sure we were here for her until she finished. When Peri went to Egypt, mom was planning to stay with Yahya for a few weeks while he was alone. She had finished her chemo and the radiation wasn't as horrible. Since she was going to stay with Yahya, I told Khaled that I wanted to go on a short vacation before he left for Thailand for the rest of the summer. Unfortunately, that was the cause of more stress for mom. It never occurred to me that she would be upset if we went. I knew she would be with Yahya and it didn't seem like an issue. But she was PISSED. She waited until our tickets were booked to tell me. Again, I knew she was going through a rough time, I knew that she was overly emotional in every situation, and it should have occurred to me to discuss it with her - just to make her feel better....but *normal* mom would never have cared. *Normal* mom would always encourage us to go have fun. *Normal* mom would never let a situation like this affect her...and as much as I tried to "act" normal, she isn't *normal* mom.
I couldn't talk to anyone about all the emotions I was having. That it broke my heart to see her like this. I needed to act like I was normal and strong. I don't know why I needed to do that, but it is just something I do. I talked to the only person I knew I could talk to, the only person I knew would understand....my dad. When he asked me if she was taking the anti-depressant I told him she wasn't...Well that didn't help either. He talked to my mom and asked her why she wasn't taking the medicine. Of course that caused yet another fight between me and her....she was upset that I told him. She didn't realize how much it could help her. She told me that if I showed her more sympathy she wouldn't need it - but in reality I couldn't be emotional or sympathetic because I used all my strength to try to act like nothing is wrong around her, so she doesn't worry more than she already was. Again, not the right reaction from me, but just what I did subconsciously.
Anyway, to make a long story short, mom is coming back next month. She has her check ups and will be staying with Yahya's kids while he and Peri are at Hajj. Peri told me her mom is coming too because she doesn't think mom has the patience to stay with the kids alone....I told her that I think everything that happened and everything that mom did and said the past year was an exception, and that I am trying to block the past 12 months from my memory and pretend they didn't happen. That includes everything I may have said or did that hurt her.
